Question: My daughter is a very outgoing, bubbly, caring and loving child. I wouldn't change that for the world; in fact that is more of what this world needs. However, because of these wonderful qualities that she has, she tends to get extremely distracted at school, and it's very hard for her to focus on her work. Her teacher tells me she is A+ Honor Roll material, if she gives it her "all", but she's not quite there yet. She is holding back her potential for academics, due to her distraction with her friends. Is this normal? And how can I get her more focused on her studies for her to actually enjoy it and discover herself in that aspect? I want to help her discover her gift and show her how to use it to her benefit.

Answer: I think her behavior is developmentally appropriate. The focus of middle childhood (ages 5 - 8) is to identify with same-sex friendships. Peers become influential and there is a strong pull to belong and be liked. This age group is learning to play cooperatively with others, as well as becoming more independent of their families.

This can be a sensitive time when children are easily hurt by ridicule and criticism from both their peers and significant adults. They are still motivated by adult reinforcement and approval.

In late childhood, (ages 8 - 11) children become more motivated by their peer relationships. They are also more tolerant of constructive criticism and are better able to handle responsibility and consequences for their behavior. Depending on a child's maturity, a third-grader is on the cusp of middle and late childhood.

In addition to being age appropriate, it is clear that you value her ability to form close relationships. Your appreciation of her temperament and sensitivity to others has reinforced these traits. You can balance this by showing equal enthusiasm for academic achievement and self regulation.

Have her identify which behaviors and roles are appropriate in different settings. Are the expectations the same or different? Have her discuss this with her teacher to clarify any misconceptions.

Some other things to consider:

• Ask her teacher if your daughter has enough academic challenges.
• Would a different seat placement help?
• Can the teacher pair her with a student that needs assistance?
• Is there a code word or visual reminder to redirect her when she is getting distracted by her friends?
• Implement a behavior chart at school that rewards self control.

You can also redirect her social aptitude by finding other outlets for self expression outside of school, such as acting, music, dance or sports.

The following book may be of interest to you:

• How to Raise a Child with a High EQ: A Parents' Guide to Emotional Intelligence by Lawrence E. Shapiro (Harper Paperbacks)

Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Debra has worked in both primary and middle schools as a school counselor. She gives workshops to teachers and students, and offers parenting classes in the San Francisco Bay Area. Debra is also a clinical supervisor for a mental health clinic serving schools in the area. To learn more, visit her Web site.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

Updated July 2008