Question: How do I stop my third-grade son from teasing and bothering others at the school bus stop?

Answer: Good for you for taking this seriously. Too often adults view this behavior as normal child behavior and minimize the impact it has on everyone.

Literature on teasing asks adults to recognize the distinction between "friendly teasing" and bullying. Friendly teasing is often described as playful exchanges that involve equitable participation. Bullying is when there is a power differential between the participants. The recipients of bullying find such interactions to be intrusive, offensive, shaming, degrading, or intimidating. This can escalate to include physical altercations.

In order to help your child find other ways to relate to others, it's important that you uncover what he's trying to accomplish through this behavior. Does he feel left out? Powerless? Is teasing a communication style he learned from family, or in his neighborhood? Does he have developmental challenges that make it difficult for him to read social cues or to comprehend the impact of his actions? Once you understand and can empathize with the underlying cause, you can help him learn new behaviors.

Empathy does not mean that you are condoning the behavior, or that you will not set consequences; it means that through your own reaction, you can demonstrate appropriate behavior. Helping your child through role-playing and problem- solving activities are other ways to teach social skills. Limit exposure to negative T.V. programs that portray teasing as an acceptable form of communication. Or, watch those programs together and discuss what you see

If this occurs only at the bus stop, it may be that he realizes there is no adult supervision on the scene. You might want to alert the bus driver and ask school staff to provide more supervision. School-wide behavioral plans and programs can help all students improve their social skills. Explore the options with your principal. Educational Equity Center and National Crime Prevention Council are some resources to get you started.

Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Debra has worked in both primary and middle schools as a school counselor. She gives workshops to teachers and students, and offers parenting classes in the San Francisco Bay Area. Debra is also a clinical supervisor for a mental health clinic serving schools in the area. To learn more, visit her Web site.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

May 2008